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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Gaithers' LiveJournal:

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Sunday, November 16th, 2008
9:18 pm
It's me again, Margaret.....
10 bonus points if you can remember what song has that lyric.

I was deleting some Favorites, and realized it had been ages since I posted.  Then, I read back to some of my 2000/2001 entries, and realized 8 years have passed and I am still in the same rut in so many ways.

Nothing I try seems to make it any better.  It is not easier to get up every morning and face a day that I know will emotionally exhaust me in just a few hours.  It is not easier to smile, or laugh, or be kind. 

The hurdle I cannot seem to get over is that I do not understand how "nothing" and "emptiness" can be so heavy and overwhelming.
Thursday, June 29th, 2006
6:52 pm
Fuck Star Jones and the Fag She Rode In With
You know that Barbara wanted to say that....so I just broke the ice.  There.  Done.  Said.  I just hope someone derails Rosie O'donnell....she's gonna tank that show.



Anyway, on to relevant items.  Going back to work tomorrow after about 3 months down with the back surgery.  4hrs a day for the first week, so it should work fine.  I can't wait to get back to full time status...I miss my paychecks from fulltime weeks.



BFAM came over the other day and got all my extras up in the attic, so the house is finally uncluttered and livable and not embarrassing.  Just don't go in the office or office closet...shhhhhhhhhh don't tell.  It felt like quite an accomplishment to FINALLY have that stuff done.



My neighbor finally paid someone to cut her grass....the weeds were up to the fuckin windows.  White trash in a permanently-attached house...who knew.  It took the guy 5 hours....I felt bad for him.  He only charged $35, which was cheap.  I had to throw him a rope and pull him out of the jungle a few times....I think they found hoffa's body, and at least two faces previously pasted on a milk carton.



Oh well...off to TNT or USA to watch some crime drama.  Peace and Star Grease.

Current Mood: calm
Sunday, June 25th, 2006
9:49 pm
Damn
I am consistent with this journaling thing, huh? Of course, the hiatus between seasons of "The Shield" seems longer.....I'm still pissed that Curtis got all blowed up and died. Shane is a prick. Favorite line of the season: Vic (to Forrest Whitaker): "By the way, your wife's pussy tastes like sweet buttah".

I'm supposed to go back to work Friday (June 30). Now that there is a firm date, I've had that "I have not had ANY time off" panic, even though I haven't worked since the end of April, and was out for a good chunk of April and March. Somehow, this "vacation" was not fun....recovering from 9 hrs of back surgery.

I was further discouraged when I realized that I will not get a regular 100% paycheck until the 2nd week in August. Don't get my wrong, I would be up shit creek without the company's 80% short term disability pay. And don't even get me started on time off...it will take me until almost Halloween to get out of the negative on my time off balance.

This weekend, I have taken care of a lot of household tasks. It's like I've had this burst of energy over the past week. The "junk room" almost resembles the 2nd bedroom it should. I've purged a lot of old stuff, and am trying to get everything organized. Sorted through a ton of old pictures/frames....it amazes me how much like my mom I am....I put pictures behind pictures in frames. So you see one picture, but when you take the back off the frame, there are 5 more layered behind it. It seems evil to discard a picture though.

BFAM (brother from another mother) is supposed to get together with me probably Tuesday. I need his muscles for the heavy stuff I can't do with this healing back. The doc said lift no more than 20 lbs....ever. And I'm like damn....I have burps that weigh more than that. It is hard to adjust to my limitations...even if they are temporary.

Freaks gonna rock 2 this....(lyrical interlude)

Went to my nephew's baby shower yesterday. Lots of people I didn't know. I was so fucking hot. Outdoors is still not my thing, even 80 lbs lighter. Of course, I'm still a big boy.

I need to finish a "to do" list to make the most of my last 4 days off. Near the top....buy new powerball tickets. I'ma have me sumthin' one day....

In my cleaning and purging, I found a handwritten journal entry from 7 years ago. Made a reference to a guy named Michael, that I swear to God I have no clue who it was. I only remember one Michael, who was a trick in the night...not someone I would have made an entry about. That got me thinking about some of my less-than-discreet encounters....which turned into seeing how many I could list/remember. Mental note: never play that game.

Then that turned into "damn, it has been 7 months since *** came over and played doctor". One thing about being infirm is that it refocused me on things that matter....not searching for the Next Head. Don't get me wrong, my dick ain't dead, nor is my desire...I'm just more practical, realistic, perhaps even mature.

I'm approaching 3 months of freedom from SSRIs. I think the original withdrawal was mild....of course, I was high on vicodin for my back pain...so it was a trade off I guess. All I know the first 5-6 weeks were full of mood swings. I think I'm the only person who has ever burst into tears over "The Price is Right". OH MY GOD, THEY'VE ALL OVERBID!!!! Waa-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Little sparrow, little sparrow...precious fragile little thing (lyrical interlude)

Speaking of music...I found out they replaced my PC at work while I've been out.  Which means no one thought about backing up my files so my YEARS of loading tunes to the media player have been ERASED.  I should get with the new millenium and get an mp3 or Ipod, but fuck it.  As long as the CD goes into the computer, I'm happy.  I'm sure in my lifetime, the CD will become the 8-track tape or 78rpm vinyl for my generation.

I'm tired....think we're gonna head on over to the bedroom and crash.  I need to set the clock like a regular workday....get up a 6am and get on schedule again.  But I doubt that works.  We'll see.

Peace and hair grease. 



Current Mood: calm
Thursday, March 25th, 2004
8:21 pm
Breath of Air...
...but not sure if it is fresh. I am having one of those "I should really not be in a funk" feelings...and I'm fighting the urge to get in a funk. There is a lot on the horizon right now that I should embark upon. My life has been filled with inaction and indecisiveness, and here I am 34 years old with no real path or plan. Things are popping up quickly. Enrolling in classes in June. Trying to get my health in order, and work out, and lose weight. And trying to rebuild (or build) my image as a good guy at work. The last one pisses me off though. I have to find a way to resolve the fact that I am not selling myself out to the corporate cog by playing their game by their rules...I'm bettering my opportunities for the future. The problem is that the present feels like I am forming alliances with the venom that has eaten my soul the last year or so.

I went to a lunch session on fitness today. The information makes sense...my logical brain knows what I have to do to get to point X in my health/fitness arena. But my non-logical mind has trouble. The guy was so fit...I could work out 24 hours a day and never look like that. I keep denying myself the benefits of ANY progress because I will never be the perfect image of what I want. I have to get beyond that. I feel so much better when I exercise. Honestly...I always thought that was bullshit, but it is true. I stay more focused, I have more energy, I have more tolerance/patience, I don't get so crabby. It feels good. I have to motivate myself with that...

I'd love to motivate myself with sex...it feels good to, and I am really craving a connection. People take so much for granted...but every rare touch, every display of affection I receive is consumed so quickly by the aching emptiness. Hold me, love me, fuck me.
Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003
2:05 pm
Grrrrrrr
I am so frustrated today I can't concentrate. So many little things that have no reasonable significance weigh so heavily on my mind. I want to stand up on the desk and shout at people just how bitchy they are. How menstrual. How dishonest. How inept. But no....I'm not supposed to think for myself, or act, or question, or suggest, or advice. Being devalued is not on my list of happy activities. I feel it building and I know it's all going to come out in some form or another. Hopefully the steady boil won't become an eruption before I can get home and shut the world out and try to deal.
Sunday, July 20th, 2003
9:21 pm
I hate being sick...
Being sick sucks. 10 days of unidentified viral thing and no real progress. I can't sleep, I can't get my appetite, I can't break this fever for longer than 12 hours. Drs visit # 3 tomorrow, so maybe more answers then.

Things I have learned this week while being sick:

1) Bob Barker is too old to do TV anymore. The bronzer just isn't working...time to have your host spayed or neutered....

2) After 12 years, there are STILL some Law & Order reruns that are new to me....God Bless TNT!

3) I could write better than most soap opera writers, without having to resort to stolen/switched/forgot-I-gave-birth babies....

4) I am not a patient man, and this illness is working my last good nerve to pieces.

5) I am blessed to have a wonderful family and close friends that are so concerned about me, and have helped take care of me these past days...
Saturday, May 31st, 2003
8:57 pm
Nice
Has a really nice time last night with R. I can't remember that last time I so instantly comfortable talking to someone.

I'd pretty much given up hope on finding any substantive connection with anyone. Big boys like me are not in big demand, and I haven't even been able to find a cheap meaningless hook up in a very long time. Which is a good thing, since that is not what I really wanted anyway. I wanted to be close to a man, to touch him, kiss him, hold him. I wanted to fill all those needs that have gone unmet no matter how many times I tried to get them from sex.

And I did. However things go from here, I'm happy. I'm feeling no guilt, no shame, no doubts. Last night I was true to who I really am...not what the label of "gay" says I should be. And I'm glad I shared that time with a wonderful, sensitive man who needed the same thing.
Monday, March 10th, 2003
7:32 pm
Scream Therapy
Even scream therapy does not work today. If you ever consider buying a house, don't. Not unless you have a couple of hundred bucks a month to toss into a fallback account to pay for nice little surprise repairs. Last month...furnace. This month septic tank. Now...plumbing issues. AAACCKKK! I miss my apartment and the simple "call the rental office and it will be fixed" life.

It's easy to say right now, but having money would make me so much happier. Ok, maybe not happier...but certainly less stressed. And less stress is often conducive to being happier.

I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm financially burdened. Wah wah wah, I am in a mood. Pity party, table for one?
Saturday, July 6th, 2002
9:16 pm
Hmmmm....
Time does pass quickly. Unfortunately, I'm not sure the subject matter or feelings of angst have changed much since the last entry. I do have some progress in the weight loss department....20 lbs down in about 6 weeks. But it gets discouraging to see that I have so much more to go.

Now that I'm "journaling", my mind is in a clog. There are lots of things I want to get out, and they are all fighting for the first place. It's frustrating. If only my brain had a "clear cache" button.

I've been off work for a few days, and done a lot of sleeping. There are many home projects still undone, but I found it hard to motivate. I'm in that mood where I am close to slipping....dangerous, because the only two things I can slip on are sex and eating. I feel like I'm fighting the choice between a meaningless hook-up, and a big cheeseburger meal from Wendy's. If I do either, I'll feel worse because I fell off the wagon, so to speak. But if I could fall off onto a really nice guy who could cook me a healthy meal and then fuck my brains out....well, that could work.

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHH! The horny demons battle the needy demons battle the fat and calorie demons. Where is Buffy when you need her??????
Thursday, November 1st, 2001
6:55 pm
Weighty Issues
I have quite a case of the funks. The normal depressive issues regarding my weight were and are in heavy form, not to mention the whole emotional roller coaster with current world events. Top that off with two gay men murdered here in Durham, and the police suspecting someone they met in an internet chat room, I'm feeling stressed from all degrees of life. Then today, I find out that a gay co-worker was beaten up with a brick by a guy he'd been dating. Where's the love?

I've been considering gastric bypass surgery for my obesity. Part of me thinks how silly that would be....that I'm just fat and lazy. But I think I passed fat and lazy a long time ago. I weigh over 2 times my ideal body weight, and that's gotta be unhealthy no matter what the other issues are. I found out how much I weighed a few weeks ago...I knew I was hovering just over 350. But my hover turned into a lift off and I was 365lbs. That scares me, as well it should.

I'm scared because I don't have the solution(s) to handle this within myself. Whatever it is that thin people have, whatever it is that makes them not have such a warped relationship with food, I don't have it. It's a vicious cycle of feeling bad, eating to feel better, getting fatter, feeling bad, eating to feel better.

Today I was supposed to have a job interview. I haven't had one in over 2 years, so I was a little nervous, but ok. It was just for a lateral job transfer, nothing major. So I go into the closet to put on the nice clothes, which are way in the back of the closet thanks for casual day all the time at work now. And they didn't fit. Well, they fit....but like spandex, and these were not stretch fabrics. The last time I wore then was about 8 months ago when my grandmother died. I had to call and cancel my interviews, saying I had car trouble because I was too fat to fit into my own clothes.

And let's say I do find some magic wand to start eating better, and I lose some weight. But then like always, it comes back, with some extra baggage. When I was on phen-fen, I lost about 55 pounds. I gained those back, plus about 25 more. My body isn't getting any younger...and I know my emotional structure can't take much more bruising.

But the surgery itself scares me. Anything could go wrong, and I could die during the procedure. Or I could get hit by a bus and die anyway. Or I could have a stroke or a heart attack. My logical mind know the mortality issue is real, but my fear of the unknown is even stronger. My friend told my that he thought I was afraid of succeeding. And he's right. I've been fat all my life. It would be like a woman waking up one day with a penis, or a man waking up one day and suddenly he's a woman....I've been this for so long I can't imagine not being it.

It would be physically impossible for me to fail with the surgery, barring complications with the procedure itself. My body won't allow more food in than the stomach can handle (which is about 4 ounces) without vomiting or otherwise getting very ill. So the weight loss issue is solved....pretty much. In a years time, I can expect to lose 100 - 150 pounds.

In as much as my transformed body is a rebirth, my emotional structure would have go through that process too. And I'd be eating only liquids and baby foods for the first 4-6 weeks. In a lot of ways, it is like being reborn, and that scares me. So much change in such a short time. I wouldn't do it without counseling as an adjunct...I probably need that now, regardless of my decision on the surgery.

And I worry that as much as I feel different for being fat, which is an obvious thing to everyone, I will feel different and conscious about having to eat in a totally different manner than everyone else.....6 small meals a day. Very small portions, etc. Having to pay attention to every meal to make sure I'm not overloading the gastric process, or just grab a quick burger or something like that.

And then, what if my body looks just as unattractive thin as it does fat? My body would change...but would that be better? Would I be able to look at the new physical me and say I love him. Or would I just be thin and emotionally fucked rather than fat and emotionally fucked?

I'm driving myself nuts with this.
6:55 pm
Weighty Issues
I have quite a case of the funks. The normal depressive issues regarding my weight were and are in heavy form, not to mention the whole emotional roller coaster with current world events. Top that off with two gay men murdered here in Durham, and the police suspecting someone they met in an internet chat room, I'm feeling stressed from all degrees of life. Then today, I find out that a gay co-worker was beaten up with a brick by a guy he'd been dating. Where's the love?

I've been considering gastric bypass surgery for my obesity. Part of me thinks how silly that would be....that I'm just fat and lazy. But I think I passed fat and lazy a long time ago. I weigh over 2 times my ideal body weight, and that's gotta be unhealthy no matter what the other issues are. I found out how much I weighed a few weeks ago...I knew I was hovering just over 350. But my hover turned into a lift off and I was 365lbs. That scares me, as well it should.

I'm scared because I don't have the solution(s) to handle this within myself. Whatever it is that thin people have, whatever it is that makes them not have such a warped relationship with food, I don't have it. It's a vicious cycle of feeling bad, eating to feel better, getting fatter, feeling bad, eating to feel better.

Today I was supposed to have a job interview. I haven't had one in over 2 years, so I was a little nervous, but ok. It was just for a lateral job transfer, nothing major. So I go into the closet to put on the nice clothes, which are way in the back of the closet thanks for casual day all the time at work now. And they didn't fit. Well, they fit....but like spandex, and these were not stretch fabrics. The last time I wore then was about 8 months ago when my grandmother died. I had to call and cancel my interviews, saying I had car trouble because I was too fat to fit into my own clothes.

And let's say I do find some magic wand to start eating better, and I lose some weight. But then like always, it comes back, with some extra baggage. When I was on phen-fen, I lost about 55 pounds. I gained those back, plus about 25 more. My body isn't getting any younger...and I know my emotional structure can't take much more bruising.

But the surgery itself scares me. Anything could go wrong, and I could die during the procedure. Or I could get hit by a bus and die anyway. Or I could have a stroke or a heart attack. My logical mind know the mortality issue is real, but my fear of the unknown is even stronger. My friend told my that he thought I was afraid of succeeding. And he's right. I've been fat all my life. It would be like a woman waking up one day with a penis, or a man waking up one day and suddenly he's a woman....I've been this for so long I can't imagine not being it.

It would be physically impossible for me to fail with the surgery, barring complications with the procedure itself. My body won't allow more food in than the stomach can handle (which is about 4 ounces) without vomiting or otherwise getting very ill. So the weight loss issue is solved....pretty much. In a years time, I can expect to lose 100 - 150 pounds.

In as much as my transformed body is a rebirth, my emotional structure would have go through that process too. And I'd be eating only liquids and baby foods for the first 4-6 weeks. In a lot of ways, it is like being reborn, and that scares me. So much change in such a short time. I wouldn't do it without counseling as an adjunct...I probably need that now, regardless of my decision on the surgery.

And I worry that as much as I feel different for being fat, which is an obvious thing to everyone, I will feel different and conscious about having to eat in a totally different manner than everyone else.....6 small meals a day. Very small portions, etc. Having to pay attention to every meal to make sure I'm not overloading the gastric process, or just grab a quick burger or something like that.

And then, what if my body looks just as unattractive thin as it does fat? My body would change...but would that be better? Would I be able to look at the new physical me and say I love him. Or would I just be thin and emotionally fucked rather than fat and emotionally fucked?

I'm driving myself nuts with this.
Friday, July 6th, 2001
8:32 pm
Anti-Social
I've been feeling a bit anti-social recently. I spend most of my non-work time at home, lounging or sleeping. Clinical depressed? Probably. But it will pass, I just have to find a way to keep my sanity until it ends. My fuse is short and tolerance low when I get this way. I at least know this demon well enough to know that pulling back from friends/engagements is the best idea. Trying to explain that to people, however, is a task. It would be nice not to have the dark spells.
Thursday, July 5th, 2001
7:21 pm
Lost Freedoms
This article shows just how easily our thoughts can be used against us in a "free" society. I do not for one second condone or encourage child sexual abuse. But I have written many "unsavory" thoughts in my own journals over the years...as such, I'm apparently a criminal??? This guy's lawyer must really have SUCKED not to get him out of this:

Journal entries of fictitious accounts send Ohio man to prison
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) - A man who wrote in his journal about sexually abusing and torturing children has been sentenced to 10 years in prison, despite the fictitious nature of the stories.

A civil rights lawyer said he was surprised by the sentence Brian Dalton received Tuesday for his private writings.

"What you're saying is somebody can't, in essence, confess their fantasy into a personal journal for fear they have socially unacceptable fantasies, then ultimately they end up getting prosecuted," said Benson Wolman, a former director of the American Civil Liberties Union in Ohio.

Franklin County Prosecutor Ron O'Brien called the case a "breakthrough" in the battle against child pornography.

Dalton, 22, of Columbus, was charged with pandering obscenity involving a minor after his probation officer found the journal during a routine search of his home. He was on probation from a 1998 pandering conviction involving pornographic photographs of children.

The 14-page journal contains the names and ages - 10 and 11 - of three children it said were placed in a cage in a basement. It details how the children were sexually molested and tortured.

Police at first were concerned the stories were real, prosecutors said. However, Dalton said the stories were fictitious, and there was no evidence to the contrary, said Christian Domis, an assistant county prosecutor.

Still, Dalton was guilty of pandering obscenity because he "did create, reproduce or publish any obscene material that has a minor as one of its participants or portrayed observers," the indictment said.

"Even without passing it on to anyone else, he committed a felony," Domis said.

The contents of the journal were so disturbing that members of a grand jury asked a detective to stop reading after about two pages, Domis said.

"It was seriously the most disturbing thing I ever read," he said. "There was a woman on the grand jury who was crying."

Dalton pleaded guilty, and prosecutors, in exchange, dropped a second pandering charge. He would have faced up to 16 years in prison if convicted of both charges.

"I know what I wrote was disturbing," Dalton told Common Pleas Judge Nodine Miller at his sentencing. "Over the past few months, I looked back at it and realized it was not something I could do. I don't know how I imagined to write anything like that."

Wolman said he cannot recall an obscenity case involving "mere words that were not disseminated." Dalton said he never intended anyone else to read the journal.

"It is just this kind of thing, I think, that is a misapplication of what the law intends," Wolman said.

"The law hasn't really been challenged and he would have had the opportunity to do that," defense attorney Isabella Dixon said. "But the cost to him is a lot of time in jail to challenge it."
Friday, June 29th, 2001
8:44 pm
Eventless
Nothing to update. I've been out of work for a couple of days "sick". My sickness is more of a bad mood/depression than a physical ailment. I can't believe that I still feel guilt even though I know my psychological health is just as real and important as my physical. Such a stigma that even I can't get over.

Wallowing and feeling sorry for myself isn't the answer. I've always known that. But I don't know what the answer is. Or perhaps, I don't know how to make the answer happen. I think it's all about my weight. I've managed to tangle so much into that one problem that it seems impossible to solve.

My mind tells me I can change, my body tells me it doesn't have the energy or motivation to do so. My brain tells me there are scientific facts that support that I will always be large and the battle to change myself would be futile and disappointing.

I've even thought about having the bypass surgery, even though it's a very questionable procedure. The thing that scares me most is what if I have the surgery, or some how miraculously lose all this weight...and finally I'm fit. But I'm still just as unhappy then as I am now...
Sunday, June 10th, 2001
5:43 pm
Dry Spell
Father's Day is approaching, which is one of my more emotionally difficult times of the year. I'm 31 years old, and in the sense of wanting a father in my life....I still feel like an infant.

I'm beyond being mad at him for dying. I'm beyond wondering why my mom and dad didn't try to reconcile their seperation after I was born. But I'm still empty. I still ache for that relationship that I can never fill.

When I was in therapy, I tried to figure out how my being gay may have been intertwined with that lack of my father in my life. But doing so felt like blaming him, just in the way that some would blame the mother for coddling her male child so much he turned gay. It felt almost oddly incestual to think of my homosexuality and my father in the same thoughts.

What I have figured out is that my emotional urges are exponentially stronger than my sexual ones. I had hoped to reconcile both sides of the issue, but I have that stumbling block of bringing sex into an emotionally fulfilling relationship. It's kind of like how I feel with my str8 friend....emotionally, I get so much from him. But I have this overwhelming desire to have physical (not sexual, but affectionate) contact with men that does not involve sex. It's hard to explain that, especially given the str8/gay dynamic.

Maybe I'm delusional to think that there is a man out there who would just like to touch and hold me non-sexually for entended periods of time.
Friday, April 13th, 2001
8:38 pm
Good Friday
That it was...no work = good Friday anytime. I didn't get much accomplished other than a hair cut, and burning up some gas riding the road trying to look for something to buy. I'm having the impulsive purchase syndrome again. Luckily, I only came home with some gas for the lawn mower. I should have spent all day in my yard, but that's what tomorrow is for.

For right now, I'm just doing laundry, trying to dust/clean a little bit. Went to Pizza Inn for dinner tonight and had a lot of spaghetti. Yum. But now I am fullllllllll.

Finally got in touch w/my "missing" friend. No big deal, just busy. We had dinner the other night, and a nice long chat to boot. We'd had a MAJOR argument recently, so it was nice to have some sit-down-heart-to-heart to ease the tension. It's harder than I thought to be best friends with a straight guy and not let any of my "man" feelings get caught up in that mix.
Monday, April 9th, 2001
6:52 pm
Tick Tick Tick
Time's ticking and here I am f***ing around on the computer. So much to do. I should be out in my yard doing some raking or mowing...ha! Why do now what I can put off indefinitely?

I am so happy we have a 4 day work week. Work has been a bit better lately, but still above average in the stress department.

I'm having all of my family over to my house Sunday for Easter lunch. That should be fun, although it could possibly send me into a neurosis or other similar hissy. Hopefully the weather will be GORGEOUS like it was yesterday, and most of the day can be spent outdoors.

I'm a little tense because I haven't been able to make contact with a friend for several days. Normally no matter how busy we get, we check in every few days at the least. I'm being a worrying ninny, but I have this gut feeling that he's in turmoil, and it has to do with the return of a certain loser bitch who makes his life miserable. Of all the people who randomly drop off the face of the earth, never to be heard from again, why is she still around?

That comment should cement my nice hot place in hell.
Thursday, March 22nd, 2001
7:31 pm
Long Dry Spell
Hard to believe it has been over a month since my last entry. Lots happening. My grandmother passed on the 9th of March. Family drama surrounding that was emotionally exhausting for me. It was a blessing the those of us who were estranged from her for many years were able to reconcile before she passed. I can't begin to sort out the family stuff associated with that. I just don't have the free brain cells right now.

Work is a boiler right now. We have this huge project that was "supposed" to be handled mostly via our business/computer systems. Ha. They never listened when we raised red flags months ago, and guess what. It's turned into a 100% manual project, and it's killing my work area. I leave each night feeling like I've accomplished nothing, because for every problem I fix, there are a dozen "screamers" waiting to take its place.

I know I've been moody and crabby lately because of that, and being tired from the funeral weekend and stuff. And I've been having lonliness issues like a mad man. So much so that I hooked up w/this guy I've messed around with a few times. At the time we made arrangements, I wanted it, even though I knew it was not going to fill any of the real needs I had. The needs were all emotional, and the act was all me physically pleasing him. I regretted it from the time he hung up. But I went thru with it. And it was a lesson in that I know that unless there's some connection...even if it's just a hug or a kiss, I am not doing that ever again.

Some days I think it would be great just to be asexual. And in a sense, I think I am. Maybe I'm just conditioned to being alone for so long that I get confused. Sex isn't the interest so much for me as being touched. Being held. Being kissed. All the intimate things that I want aren't there, and I knew that when I made plans to be with this guy.

I have a hard time defining myself in gay terms. I'm masculine, but the things I want more than anything (intimacy, emotion, connection) are considered feminine in comparison with sex and tops and bottoms and preferences and the like.

All I know is that I'm my own worst critic, and sitting here in the house being bitter isn't helping matters. Now if I could just figure out how to translate that knowledge into action.
Monday, February 12th, 2001
6:11 pm
Hard Day
So the death of my co-worker's daughter was indeed a suicide. She shot herself to death. She was at her grandparent's house, where she'd been staying since dear old mom and dad kicked her out. They remember hearing a "thud" Friday night, but didn't think much of it. Turns out the girl had wrapped the gun & her hand and head up in some cloth and towels...apparently to muffle the sound. The didn't find her until the next day. So that broke my heart all over again, thinking that if they'd have checked the "thud", maybe there was a chance she was still alive.

I don't know why this is getting to me so much. I never even met this girl, but her death has just lit a fury in me. I just want to beat her parents, grandparents...everyone who ever told her what a burden she was. Everyone who let her down. Everyone who didn't give her the love she needed. I want them to hurt. I want to torture them with that horrible, empty feeling she must have felt just before she pulled the trigger.

My only comfort is knowing that after that last empty second, she finally found peace.
Sunday, February 11th, 2001
6:58 am
Sad
I am so upset. I read the obits this morning, and see that the daughter of a lady I work with is dead. She was 19 yrs old. And I don't know the details, but one thing I know in my heart is that she took her own life. Her parents are total ASSHOLES who always tried to make this child feel like a burden and a problem when her biggest problem was having shitty parents. I never met this girl, but I cried this morning. I cried because I was so angry that this bitch I work with still breathes life while her daughter is dead. I cried because I wanted her to overcome, and live well as a spit in the parents faces. And part of me cried because I have no sympathy for the parents. I should be at least a little sensitive, but I'm not. Fuck them both. I hate them, and I wish they would die a horrible death for the trouble they gave that girl. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND. I want to jump up at the service and tell everyone about all the bad things they did to her. Point fingers...demand explanation. I want them to pay. But how do you compensate a life? At least now the girl has some peace. But I know I'm going to get fired if this woman comes in bashing her dead daughter. They will pack my boxes while they pry my fingers from her cold blue neck.
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